We Should Probably Be Friends

It wasn’t that long ago that I realized, for the first time, that I was a woman who took up space in this world. It happened one day in NYC when I was walking east on 9th Street toward Lafayette and looked over to my right only to be surprised by my own reflection.

During that time, I was fresh out of an 11-year-long relationship which I had first entered when I was an 18-year-old girl. That day, when I saw my reflection up against the tall glass windows of the Facebook building on East 9th, I was suddenly a 30-year-old woman.

It was that very moment that solidified something I always knew, but never fully took in: I will be with me for the rest of my life and we should probably be friends.

Don’t worry. I also can’t believe I had to get to my thirties to find out that I was a grown-ass woman determined to live her best life.

What I did next was finally start the long and honest work of becoming friends with myself.

You can do this too. And to help you, I put together a list of nine things that worked for me. I took it a step further and checked to see if, scientifically, these methods also hold up.

Below you’ll find not only what to do to be a better friend to yourself, but also how much scientific evidence there actually is behind each (high/medium/low), along with something small and practical you can do this week to start.

Notice the tiny things you like.

Scientific evidence: HIGH

I love silence. Soft and cool bed sheets. A little breeze coming in through an open window. The smell after it rains, while it is still cloudy. The way the light comes through really big and leafy trees. I love love love when I hear a song I used to love but forgot about. When I experience any of these things, I pause all of the chatter in my mind, and I let those tiny things make me feel good for a moment.

Science says: Researchers call this savoring: deliberately noticing and e x t e n d i n g a positive experience. Randomized research has found that practicing it can increase positive emotion and our ability to savor good experiences.

Practical guide: Something else that makes me feel really good is my morning coffee. The way it smells when room service delivers it, the almost ceremonial minute when I am putting it together by adding the sugar and milk. The whole thing reminds me of afternoons on the couch in The Bronx with my grandma. I savor it and stay with it for as long as I can. So, this week, when something feels good, let it. Stay with it for 10–20 seconds instead of immediately moving on, and notice one small detail about the thing, like the smell, the sound, or the light.

You don’t need to be having an amazing day to do it. For example: “This sucks and this coffee is really good” works well. Or “I’m having a terrible day, but the weather is perfect” is also allowed.

Study: LaFreniere & Newman (2023), Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology

Get rid of the “should”.

Scientific evidence: MEDIUM

“I should be further along.” “I should have figured this out by now.” Okay, according to WHOMST??? You are where you are. Start there.

Science says: Well, first, science doesn’t say that the word should itself is bad. What it does say is that rigid “should” thinking is associated with depressive thinking, and other research shows that showing yourself compassion can reduce self-criticism. When that feeling of “I wish I were further along” turns into “I’m failing because I’m not where I thought I’d be,” that’s when we have a problem.

Practical guide: When you hear “I should already…” ask yourself: According to who? Do I actually want to be where I think I should be? What can I do from where I am today instead of should-ing myself to death?

Studies: Takeda et al. (2024), Frontiers in Psychology; Wakelin, Perman & Simonds (2022), Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy

Feed yourself like you care about yourself.

Scientific evidence: MEDIUM

It doesn’t have to be perfect and it doesn’t necessarily have to be “clean.” Just… maybe don’t survive on iced coffee until 4 p.m. and then wonder why you feel anxious or grumpy. Eat something that actually makes your body (and brain) feel good.

Science says: Eating more nourishing foods can support well-being. Surprising no one. Studies have linked better-quality food intake with things like vitality, flourishing, and overall life satisfaction.

Practical guide: Make it easy to feed yourself. Have one basic go-to meal and one backup snack you can reach for when you’re busy, tired, or indecisive. Make feeding yourself easier than forgetting to eat.

Studies: Conner et al. (2017), PLOS ONE; Mujcic & Oswald (2016), American Journal of Public Health

Wear things that make you feel good.

Scientific evidence: LOW

Have you ever heard the joke about having “the confidence of a middle-aged white man”? My husband, who is, in fact, a middle-aged white man, once told me he knew he aced an interview years ago because of the confidence he got from wearing a suit. He never wears suits, so this makes sense.

And honestly, I get it. There is something about wearing an outfit that makes you feel good that can change how you carry yourself.

Science says: Clothing and scent can affect how we feel, think, and carry ourselves in the moment, but science has not shown that dressing for yourself makes you a better friend to yourself.

Though the scientific evidence is low for this one, I kept it because I noticed something changed in me when I finally stopped waiting for an opportunity to wear my new clothes or do my hair. One, the opportunities never came because, honestly, they mostly existed in my head. Two, once I stopped waiting for a special occasion to look and feel good, regular days started feeling a little more special too. 🙂

Practical guide: Pick one thing you’ve been saving and use it on an ordinary day this week. It doesn’t have to be for an event or for a photo. Do it just for you.

Studies: Horton, Adam & Galinsky (2025), Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin; Kiecolt-Glaser et al. (2008), Psychoneuroendocrinology

Pat yourself on the back from time to time.

Scientific evidence: MEDIUM

Think about everything you’ve already made it through. Seriously. There was probably a time when you had no idea how you were going to get here. And yet… here you are.

Science says: Purposely bringing positive things to mind like things that went well, strengths you’ve used, things you’ve done, can indeed improve well-being. As much as I love me some affirmations, science does not say you need to hype yourself up or repeat affirmations in front of a mirror that you don’t even believe. The research is more supportive of deliberately bringing real, positive evidence from your own life to mind.

Practical guide: This week, answer these: What did I handle? What did that require from me? What does that tell me about myself?

Oh and give yourself credit for endurance too! Not just achievements.

Study: Seligman et al. (2005), American Psychologist

Stop comparing your life to somebody else’s.

Scientific evidence: MEDIUM

You know every insecurity, bad day, weird thought, and unpaid bill in your own life. You do not have that information about other people, which means you are comparing unequal datasets!

Science says: How much time you spend on social media doesn’t matter as much as how you use social media. Comparing your life to the highly curated lives of other people online is linked with lower well-being. But comparison alone is not automatically bad. You probably already know this because some comparisons might leave you feeling motivated or even informed. Basically, you have one job when you’re online: notice which interactions leave you feeling connected or inspired and which ones leave you feeling behind or bad about yourself.

Practical guide: Notice which people or accounts reliably leave you feeling like you're behind, like you're not enough, or like everyone figured it out but you. Mute them for a week and see what changes.

Then ask: What am I capable of doing now that was hard for me a year ago?

Study: Marciano et al. (2024), SSM – Mental Health

Watch how you talk to yourself.

Scientific evidence: HIGH

This is how negative self-talk shapes your life.

If someone spoke to your sister, daughter, or best friend the way they’re speaking to you, what would you say?

Science says: Being compassionate with yourself in your words can lower self-criticism and improve well-being, and research on what they call psychological distance shows that stepping back from your thoughts can make them less emotionally overwhelming. Essentially, the goal is to keep the accountability and remove the cruelty around it.

Practical guide: This week, catch one mean sentence you say to yourself. Ask: Would I say this exact thing to someone I love? If not, rewrite it, but don’t remove the truth.

For example: “I handled that terribly” can stay. “I’m an idiot” can go.

Studies: Sommers-Spijkerman et al. (2018), Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology; Moser et al. (2017), Scientific Reports

Let old versions of you retire.

Scientific evidence: LOW

You do not have to keep wanting something just because you wanted it five years ago. You can outgrow dreams, people, clothes, identities, routines, entire versions of yourself. That’s allowed and encouraged.

Science says: Being able to update your identity during big life transitions can go along with better well-being. But science has not proven that consciously “retiring” old versions of yourself makes you better off. In fact, we actually benefit from having some continuity and clarity about who we are.

Personally, this particular idea took me the longest to understand and apply. But it also gave me some big rewards, like the courage to change careers and leave my hometown. So do with this one what you will!

Practical guide: Make three little lists:

This is still me: _____

This is what I’ve retired: _________

This is who I am becoming: ________

You might find that while you release an old goal, the value underneath it still stays.

Studies: Manzi, Vignoles & Regalia (2010), European Journal of Social Psychology; Xiang et al. (2023), Journal of Happiness Studies

Ask for help BEFORE you need it.

Scientific evidence: MEDIUM

You don’t need to burn out first or have fires all around you to ask for help. Therapy, coaching, your best friend, your sister, whoever your people are. You are allowed to ask for help before you need it because support is not something that is supposed to come only after you get overwhelmed.

Science says: Getting help when you’re under pressure can make that pressure less exhausting. What science hasn’t established is the perfect moment to ask for help. So we can’t say that asking for help at 60% overwhelmed is scientifically proven to be better than waiting until 90%. But the research also doesn’t suggest that you need to wait until you reach burnout to look for or ask for support.

Practical guide: Think about what has been frustrating, confusing, or difficult in your life lately. Then think about someone you can ask for help or advice about it. Then, make the ask small and specific, like:

“Can I talk this through with you for ten minutes?” Or:

“I feel like I’m drowning and I need help. I’m not quite sure what to do about this relationship problem. Do you have any advice?”

Study: Hetrick & Jacobson (2025), Journal of Social Psychology

You’re going to spend the rest of your life with yourself too. And to be nice to yourself you don't have to think you’re amazing and incredible every single day. But maybe you can get more curious about this current version of you. Learn what she likes. Notice what she needs. Speak to her kindly. Have her back.

I don’t know exactly what shifted when that 30-year-old version of me caught her reflection that day in New York, but I’m glad she stopped long enough to finally notice herself. I’ve gotten to know her ever since, and we’ve become really good friends.